Ever since Darwin popped off his big theory of evolution, we've all kind of presumed that everything we do -- the way we eat, the mates we choose, the way we purposely mispronounce "indubitably" for laughs, everything -- is ultimately tied to one goal: continuing the species. But sometimes getting from A to Baby isn't as intuitive as you'd think. And scientists have had a hell of a time figuring out why.
Now, we're not saying that these theories behind our sexual behaviors are the gospel truth or that there aren't other, conflicting theories out there. But if they are true, sex is even weirder than we thought.
#5. Kissing Evolved as Virus Protection
Long before you tasted the wonders of sex or the body parts that have to do with sex, you (hopefully) tasted the inside of another person's mouth (if not, you should probably get off Cracked via 9jaupdates and finish your pre-algebra homework, sonny). But have you ever stopped in the middle of a deep kiss and said, "Wait a second, why the hell are we doing this?"
|"OK, now I just consume your head whole, right?"|
Researchers at the University of Leeds have hypothesized that kissing evolved as a way for women to expose themselves to an infection called cytomegalovirus. Never heard of it? Maybe you've heard of its family -- herpesviruses (we're not missing a space between "herpes" and "viruses" -- that's the actual name of the family). The thing about this particular virus is that, much like a Looney Tunes tramp stamp, you don't know if your partner has it until it's too late. By then you've already exposed yourself to something you'll never shake.
And that's bad news for the species -- if a woman develops the active cytomegalovirus while pregnant, there's a 50 percent chance she won't carry the baby to term. But, if she gets exposed in incremental bits in the months leading up to her pregnancy, she can be inoculated from a full-on primary infection. Think of it this way: The virus is kind of like early 2000s boy band music. In small doses, it's not so bad. In large doses, it will abort your baby.
|"Hey hon, run up the stairs! You've got to hear this 'Vic.O.' new jam"|
#4. Women Have Boobs So Babies Don't Suffocate
|No Wonder huh...fat ladies are always the maids|
|Don't just stand there, get some maple syrup on them! And maybe some jelly!|
Boobs are designed so babies don't suffocate and die while nursing. Take a look at this face:
|This easily killable face.|
|If he was sucking his thumb this would be too adorable to legally post.|
|"Oh please God, I haven't had sex in three years."|
#3. Moaning Was an Invitation to Group Sex
Quick question: Who makes more noise in bed, men or women? Believe it or not, there haven't actually been many studies on the subject, so you should probably just rely on anecdotal evidence. Who do you hear more in hotels? Who is louder in your own bed? Which grandparent can you hear from across the house?
It's the woman, of course. With the guys, it's usually a few little grunts and squawks of exhaustion, while women are the ones you usually hear making full-throated sex noises and appeals to a deity.
|"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah -- ow, Jesus, not so damn hard."|
|We have a feeling most monkey sex has nothing to do with female orgasms.|
In their 2010 book, Sex at Dawn, Jetha and Ryan put together a startling theory -- that humans aren't meant to be monogamous, that we were never meant to be monogamous and that biology itself is what's tearing modern marriages apart. And among the justifications for their theory, Jetha and Ryan cite female copulatory noises.
|"Our work began as a scientific explanation for David Duchovny."|
|Hamsters and armadillos share the same boat. The vanilla, missionary, 20 years of marriage boat.|
Now, if bonobos are in the top two of our closest relatives, and they totally are, and they've never bought into this whole one man, one woman business, does that mean we should all try to Gingrich our marriages? Probably not. But you definitely should make sure the neighbors aren't around the next time you and your lady get it on.
|"Come on, you dicks, evolution says I'm invited."|
#2. Why Do We Have Sex at All? To Fight Parasites (Duh)
Let's face it: Sex is about as intuitive as shoving a summer sausage into a Georgia O'Keeffe painting. If mankind had to start all over from scratch, we're not so sure we'd figure intercourse out the second time around. There are, after all, major disadvantages to sexual intercourse. The opportunity to contract and transmit diseases, for one. And for another, think of all the energy and resources that go into courtship. It's not like Olive Garden meals are going to pay for themselves, you know.
|"So ... the grilled sausage comes with the clam side in a light creamy sauce? This menu is weird."|
|Everyone wants efficiency these days, but no one wants to pay the price.|
The answer is that sex -- the mingling-of-fluid kind -- results in constant adaptation. Every kid is carrying the best of her mom, her dad, her grandparents and their lovers. Every one of us is a mess of genetic material coming from all over the place. And that's good, because change is what keeps us ahead of the game when it comes to our biological enemies.
|Also because your family isn't really your type.|
|"And if you're running on a road made of wind and purple, then you're tripping out just the right amount."|
|"I am become machete! Fuck worms!"|
|"Yes, yes, that's it. Now show your flagella."|
#1. The Female Orgasm: The Happiest Accident
The male orgasm might be a little messy, but at least it makes sense. Everything about the process of ejaculation is geared toward either human-making or keeping the tissue industrial complex going. God knows we need both if we want to continue as a species. But the female orgasm is a different (cleaner/sexier) animal. The only thing anyone gets out of a female orgasm is a good time.
|And blowjob leverage.|
|Supply your own genital metaphors here. We're tapped for the year.|
The clitoris is the remains of what would have been a penis. You might even say it's a pre-penis.
|You should probably get this checked out.|
Kristi Harrison is blushing her head off at Twitter and Tumblr right now. You can follow her if you want.